This is a very personal topic for me. Quite frankly, I am extremely uncomfortable writing this blog, but I am stepping out of my comfort zone for this one. I did not expect to be in this place with 40 just around the corner. I had always thought I would be married, that I would have children and live in a lovely house that I made a home.
That is obviously not what happened. It feels like failure. I failed to find the love of my life. I am closer and closer to not having the option of having children of my own. I still live in an apartment for crying out loud. Needless to say, life didn't turn out how I dreamed or planned. It's hurtful to write about this, but I want others who may be in this same place to know that they are not alone. It feels like it since all your friends are married, most have kids, and all of them have these busy, full lives. You're not alone. I am here too.
I think it feels like you're alone because we are so quiet about it. We are silent in discussing this topic with anyone. And the more I think about how this feels, the more I realize why it is hard to write about- it ultimately comes down to feeling shame. So the first thing we have to overcome are these feelings. Shame is a liar. The people that you care about most and care about you are not judging you. Their heart is to support you, to make you feel loved. They might not always go around it the best way, but hey- at least they try. At least you know they love you enough to try. Reject shame. It isn't for you.
Just because life has not turned out the way you thought, to be honest, most people feel that way. Even those who are married (or divorced), those who have children, those having to pay a mortgage on a house that wasn't really their dream home, but what they thought was a starter home. Whatever we thought life would be when we were kids, teenagers, young adults; we didn't know that life changes and that life is all about the unexpected. We can't plan and prepare for everything. That doesn't mean we don't try. Our minds want to tie up loose ends, to sit in a comfort zone. Life won't let you do that, but don't we keep trying!
So let's break down what being single feels like and how we may be silent in our struggles with singleness. Let's talk about overcoming this silence.
Being single in your 20s is exciting. You're young, the world is at your feet and you have plenty of time to find "the one". You aren't in some big rush and you definitely don't feel like the elusive clock is ticking. For some, this may mean lots of dating, or one serious relationship at a time. And for a small population, like me, it means not dating at all. That's right, I have never really dated. (And believe me, that brings up a whole slew of other questions that I am not getting into here!) No matter, you were usually okay with being single, because you had plenty of time.
Now getting into your 30s is a different story. You start to think it's time to settle down and find the right person. And you start to lower your expectations too. Maybe you were just too picky in your 20s and now you might have to settle some. While I can understand that thought process, and I argued with myself about it a lot, I just couldn't let go of what I absolutely would want in a guy. My non-negotiables did not change. And I don't regret that. I have three things that are absolute for me and I will not settle for less. Those things were never the reason I didn't get married, but then again I never dated. I never got to put my list to the test. And now, as I turn 40 in just a few short months, I do not regret holding out.
Why?
Because I know my value.
And I will not back down from that.
That may seem a little unbending, but I am flexible in so many ways. I just have an inner awareness of who I am and I cannot lie to myself. My non-negotiables are very purposefully constructed to reflect my values and beliefs, what is at my inner core. And someone who doesn't match that wouldn't be right for me, or me for him.
I do still have hope. I have tried to give up many, many times in the past. But I couldn't let it go. Hope clings to me and I to it. So how do I handle being single? By asking a couple of questions and giving myself honest answers.
How are you silent in your singleness?
Now this might seem an odd question, but if you identify how you are silent about this topic, you will see what you have not achieved, not done, not enjoyed just because you are single. Until my late 20s, I didn't eat out by myself. I wouldn't do any activity unless I was with friends. Now part of that is because I am extremely shy, especially in places I have never been, but that was also an excuse. I would never voice why I really never did anything by myself. And as you can tell, there can be some underlying reasons about yourself you may not have known until you ask the right questions.
2. How will you break your silence?
For me, this was an easy answer- adventure. I started small and went bigger. I went to a movie by myself. It's something that is meant to entertain, there is no talking and the only thing I was nervous about was walking in and sitting by myself alone- as if people were judging me. It went well. I didn't feel all eyes on me like I had imagined. So my next step was dinner at a restaurant by myself. Now this one can still be a little awkward for me. I tend to go to restaurants that have televisions so I can at least have something to do while I wait on my food and I am not scrolling on my phone trying to look busy. I also like to take a notebook in my purse wherever I go to jot down notes and ideas. I have often pulled that out and brainstormed at a table. All this to say, I have worked my way up to traveling alone. And at each try of something new, I had friends who said they wished they were as brave to do these things.
Let me tell, whatever it is that keeps you from doing something just because you're single, is imaginary. The more you do the things you fear, the easier it becomes to do them again, or laugh off the attempt at least! To know you actually tried builds courage and helps you overcome the next thing. Take leaps of faith over fear!
Some other things to think about in breaking your silence are speaking out against the shame. Verbally tell it where to go! Find joy and enjoyment in what you can do because you're single. There are some perks in being single, you know. My time is my own and while I want to share that with someone, I will use my time wisely by myself for now. In fact, journal what you enjoy about being single. The next time a friend can't do something because of a spouse or child, jot down your thoughts on how you enjoyed something they had to miss. You will come to realize that just because you are single, it does not mean you are not doing great things with your life. In fact, you have more opportunity and flexibility to do more!
So enjoy your singleness for whatever time you have because then you will regret nothing.
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